A little rambling…

It has been a very long while.…

How do you make your mind stop wandering? Or better yet, how do you sort through all the thoughts to really know and understand what it is you want? I am struggling to understand myself lately and it has resulted in me pushing my boyfriend away. We are no longer together. I still do not fully grasp how it came to this. I miss him. I just cannot seem to figure out why I pushed him away. And until I can figure this out, I don’t want to continue on with the relationship. I think. Or should I try to multi task and stay with him while trying to discern what I feel, want and need? I worry that doing so would be difficult and unfair to him. You see, I didn’t give myself enough time from my previous relationship to this one to reflect and reset. The thing of it is, I am an introvert. When I do not have sufficient time to work things out for myself then I am not giving my whole self to anyone. My partner, my family, my friends. Myself…

From Wikipedia…
Introversion[edit]

Introversion is “the state of or tendency toward being wholly or predominantly concerned with and interested in one’s own mental life”.[4] Some popular writers have characterized introverts as people whose energy tends to expand through reflection and dwindle during interaction.[5] This is similar to Jung’s view, although he focused on mental energy rather than physical energy. Few modern conceptions make this distinction.

They often take pleasure in solitary activities such as reading, writing, using computers, hiking and fishing. The archetypal artist, writer, sculptor, engineer, composer and inventor are all highly introverted. An introvert is likely to enjoy time spent alone and find less reward in time spent with large groups of people, though he or she may enjoy interactions with close friends. Trust is usually an issue of significance: a virtue of utmost importance to introverts is choosing a worthy companion. They prefer to concentrate on a single activity at a time and like to observe situations before they participate, especially observed in developing children and adolescents.[6] They are more analytical before speaking.[7] Introverts are easily overwhelmed by too much stimulation from social gatherings and engagement, introversion having even been defined by some in terms of a preference for a quiet, more minimally stimulating external environment.[8]

Mistaking introversion for shyness is a common error. Introverts prefer solitary to social activities, but do not fear social encounters like shy people do.[9]

While this explains much of my behaviors, it does not help me to understand why I behave or think like I do in other situations. For example, in a relationship, I will focus much too hard on one small flaw or mistake made by my partner or even myself. I will dwell on it so hard that I am convinced I cannot let it go. I pick at it until the relationship suffers. Only then do I start to realize the damage that has been done over something so minor. Then, in the case of my boyfriend, we end up in a break up. He confronts me and asks questions that I have no answers to. Why I think certain things, why I feel this way or that. I cannot explain why, I just do. I start to unravel and make no sense. I go on and on about my birth mother, I do not want to be like her. And while I work to be better, I seem to fail. Once it has come to this, I get angry with myself. I cannot let go of the swirling mass of thoughts, anger, pain and confusion. I want to. But I can’t. It is so easy, everyone says. “Just tell yourself this or tell yourself that” But they have no idea what it’s like to be me. To constantly battle with the thoughts in your head. I cannot just make them go away. Well, I guess it would be better to master the thoughts in my head. That is the true challenge here. To master them, understand and accept and finally let go of. How does one do this?

I am feeling so lost. Not depressed really, it’s just I feel like I should have this figured out by now. I am almost 35 and do not want to be this confused. I fear my path is one that will be travelled alone. To the end. Maybe not everyone is supposed to have a significant other…

 

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Living and Loving as an Introvert

Minus the parenting portion, I can identify almost completely…Hello, my name is Danielle and I am an introvert.

dorkymum

good advice

*stands up*

*shuffles nervously*

*clears throat*

Hello. My name’s Ruth and I am an introvert.

Would you believe that it has taken me 31 years to say that?

Most of those years have been taken up with saying other things. No, I’m not anti-social. No, I’m not shy. No, it’s not that I hate people, or that I hate you, or that I’m a badly brought up Awkward Annie.

I’m just an introvert.

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sunshine and books

Wow, been a while…I apologize for neglecting you dear blog…but to be honest I ave neglected a few other things as well. But I was pretty run down before my vacation started and during my vacation, I needed a lot of rest and relaxation. Only problem is, I didn’t do any Yoga or workout in any way except the short walk to and fro…I wish I could say I regret it but my soul was not there. I genuinely needed to be lazy. I read. I read a lot. I am almost done with the 3rd book in the last week. I love it. That is where my heart was this week. In my book(s). But I will get to that later…I am suddenly inspired…I change my clothes, ignoring the areas of my home I need to straighten up, I can do that later. I wash the night’s sleep out of my eyes and slather on the sun screen and will go for a walk…

Oh what a lovely walk it was! The trees, the birds, the earth, the sky, the lake…all of it was calling me to come join in the happy sway of a sunny, breezy day! And I did, I swayed and reconnected with nature. I sat by the lake and watched two dragonfly’s flittering around in an almost happy manner. Almost like they were dancing for an audience of one. A school of little fish, swimming in perfect harmony about their day. It made me smile and I was glad I out walked the discomfort of my knee telling me to go back. In the end it conceded and I was able to walk peacefully. I feel I am back on my path after a break from everything. It is time…

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I read a few different books lately but there is one that got me thinking. Inferno from Dan Brown, while it was similar to his other books, it got my mind racing about overpopulation. While the book is a work of fiction, overpopulation is a real threat. Would you be able to sterilize a very large number of people knowing it would save our human race? Honestly, I don’t think its the worst idea. (better than killing off half the population!) But I don’t want to get too into that right now. Also reading a book called, ‘Whatever You Do, Don’t Run: True Tales of a Botswana Safari Guide’. This book is a wonderfully funny story! I keep laughing out loud and I LOVE when books do this to me! Next book will be ‘Three Cups of Tea’ by Greg Mortenson. I wish I could read faster!

Sun Salutations and Daydreams

I greet the day with sun salutations and meditation. I am at peace as I welcome the suns love and warmth on my skin and continue my asanas…

After I have readied my soul and body for the day, I go outside to relish in the nature and give my plants their much needed water. I bask in the sun and smile knowing today will be a day I love. I take pleasure in the days that have no plan or rhyme or reason. I just do as I feel…I daydream.

I daydream about having saved enough to travel to many different places and hike our beautiful Earth. I daydream about strolling along the beach and stopping for an hour of yoga and mediation. I dream about helping people find their path to happiness and not watch them suffer from their own madness, sadness or negativity. 

Do you ever daydream? When I do, boy do I. I think about playing and winning the lottery (who doesn’t) but I wish to use it to travel the world and help others. I would also love to go on volunteer vacations! (Which I plan to do at least one in my life!) I dream every day about a yoga retreat with others who could really benefit from an actual teacher with me. I even dream as simple as being on an island and reading every book I have ever wanted to…or my favorite, flying south for winter! But then I stop and take notice that even though it is wonderful to have dreams or to daydream at all, it is also good to be mindful and grateful of what is in front of us.

As I continue on my path to fulfillment and serene happiness, I always discover more and more what beauty surrounds us when we make and effort to be happy. It all lies in the simple things like smiling that the sun is shining, being grateful for the time you have to enjoy a glass of wine and read a great book. Love the people around you with your whole heart and love them with no expectations. I may not succeed every single day at this but making the effort is enough to know I am on the path that I am supposed to be on. That I am taking action to be happy in my life. I wish that for everyone…namaste..

 

 

My day in photos…

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Found beauty right outside my door watching this little guy buzzing happily about his day

What?! A second post in the same day?! Madness!! 🙂 Just wanted to share that I had a wonderful day today. And I will share it in photo’s.

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At the laundromat today and decided it would be fun to meditate in front of my dryer

Being at the laundromat today, I was tired of standing around staring at the dryer willing it to hurry. So I sat down to will it to dry faster through meditation! Needless to say, the others giggled. Would also like to note that I was given an opportunity to practice kindness as I preach it. I waited patiently for a long while to get a dryer while others hoarded them. When I finally “won”, I was happy with one dryer even though others had about 5. At some point a young man was done and let me claim the dryer he used. I now had two. I felt so lucky! About 30 minutes later, I noticed a woman waiting for a dryer. I thought it silly that I had two while she waited for at least one. So I gave one up. I smiled warmly and let her know that it was hers and she smiled brightly and thanked me. I was rewarded with kindness by another stranger who gave me a quarter when I realized I didn’t have another one. A wonderful circle kindness can be!

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I am always so happy to come home to this..

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Getting ready for an inversion..

I. Love. Yoga.

Yoga

This was the first time I have managed to trust myself to go up and keep balance. I know it isn’t perfect but it is major improvement!

 I love yoga for teaching me to trust my body and soul.

And to end the day…A lovely salad…

A delicious salad with pear, blueberries and blueberry balsamic

A delicious salad with pear, blueberries and blueberry balsamic

Torn

How do we stay true to our be kind mantra when people want to make it so difficult. I have spent so much time and energy to become the kind, happy woman I want to be and now I wonder how to apply kindness to a someone I have no respect for. Is it enough to be polite? Do I really have to forgive her? I feel strongly that she doesn’t deserve any kindness from me. But isn’t that exactly what I am trying to accomplish with kindness? Be kind to all…If we forgive, they say it releases us from the hurt, it is an attribute of the strong.

So am I weak because I struggle to find it in me to release this person from their wrongs? I want to on some level but in my heart I hesitate because she is so selfish in the wrong ways and doesn’t see past herself. That is someone I do not know how to be around because they are everything I do not like in our society.

On the other hand, if I find a way to be peaceful around her, to release the tension in my heart surrounding her, maybe I can move on and only then understand how to show kindness to someone who doesn’t seem to understand what selflessness is.

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I can forgive and release her. But I choose not to let her be in my life in any way. I wonder, is that cold? There are many quotes about surrounding yourself with the right people and I believe with my soul that being encircled by people who are positive, honest and kind has helped me grow. By letting one in, that is none of these things, seems to go against what I have worked for. So, yes, I can forgive her. But that is as far as our road goes. At least for now. When I see changes I would reconsider our relationship.

But who am I to be the judge? Well, I am talking about my happiness and my world I have built and therefore I believe I have the right to decide who may enter my bubble and who may not.

I would like to note that I do not wish her harm, unhappiness or anything of the sort. As a matter of fact, I wish very much for her to find peace and joy in life.

I welcome any advice

I am not Perfect, and that’s ok!

Lately, it has been a little difficult to not be my own enemy. I have forgotten that I have come along way from who I used to be. Seems I need a little reminder sometimes. Being happy is not always the easiest path but it is sure worth it. I am working everyday to be the person I am, the one I know I can be. But forgive me if I wander off that path, I am not perfect. I am human and I love the life I lead. I thank those that have been through thick and thin with me and still stick around. I also thank those that are no longer in my life.

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This was my facebook post yesterday. And one of my friends commented on it saying being happy is easier than being miserable or its the easier choice. Well, I beg to differ to an extent. I admit, sometimes, it is very hard for me to focus on the good, the beauty and the positive things in my life. I am not someone who is always in a happy chipper mood. I work to be since it doesn’t come so easily, and I think over time it will come easier or even change completely.

I have only just recently realized what it takes and what to do in my life that keeps me on a happy path. I cannot put my finger on it but for whatever reason, my brain is wired to always worry about things. Causing me to be either down on myself or just down in general. Things like being outside in nature, Yoga (have I mentioned how much I love Yoga?), meditation and reading are the things I do alone to keep calm, hold on to happy thoughts and maintain the happy lifestyle I know I have in me. I love being around my boyfriend, family and friends but I firmly believe that I need that quality alone time in order to be a good girlfriend, daughter, sister and friend. You must be good to yourself to be good to others.

In the last couple weeks, I have skipped Yoga here and there, been eating quite terribly and not sleeping well, and I am sure that is why I wandered off my path. I am improving all those things and feeling much better thus far. I do need to take time for myself where I can, which I have also forgotten in the last couple weeks.

I would like to add that I live a very blessed and happy life. I am not depressed or miserable. I am just a human woman who deals with some inner conflicts and sometimes feels a little lost. Which I am certain is not totally abnormal. I am lucky enough to have people in my life that know how to give me my time and also know when to give me a helping hand. I know that I have come a long long way from the girl I used to be and I know I will be who I know I can be in time.

I want to tell others that it is okay to let yourself feel the emotions you feel. Just be sure you know what works for you to keep your head up and find a way to smile through your battles.

Anyway, I haven’t posted in a bit since I was at a loss for inspiration. Didn’t dawn on me to write about this since I didn’t really want to come off as negative on my blog. But I am putting it out there anyway. I hope someone takes something from this.

A good day to all!