Torn

How do we stay true to our be kind mantra when people want to make it so difficult. I have spent so much time and energy to become the kind, happy woman I want to be and now I wonder how to apply kindness to a someone I have no respect for. Is it enough to be polite? Do I really have to forgive her? I feel strongly that she doesn’t deserve any kindness from me. But isn’t that exactly what I am trying to accomplish with kindness? Be kind to all…If we forgive, they say it releases us from the hurt, it is an attribute of the strong.

So am I weak because I struggle to find it in me to release this person from their wrongs? I want to on some level but in my heart I hesitate because she is so selfish in the wrong ways and doesn’t see past herself. That is someone I do not know how to be around because they are everything I do not like in our society.

On the other hand, if I find a way to be peaceful around her, to release the tension in my heart surrounding her, maybe I can move on and only then understand how to show kindness to someone who doesn’t seem to understand what selflessness is.

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I can forgive and release her. But I choose not to let her be in my life in any way. I wonder, is that cold? There are many quotes about surrounding yourself with the right people and I believe with my soul that being encircled by people who are positive, honest and kind has helped me grow. By letting one in, that is none of these things, seems to go against what I have worked for. So, yes, I can forgive her. But that is as far as our road goes. At least for now. When I see changes I would reconsider our relationship.

But who am I to be the judge? Well, I am talking about my happiness and my world I have built and therefore I believe I have the right to decide who may enter my bubble and who may not.

I would like to note that I do not wish her harm, unhappiness or anything of the sort. As a matter of fact, I wish very much for her to find peace and joy in life.

I welcome any advice

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Finding Calm and Forgiving Myself

The last few days have been a bit of a roller coaster of emotions. I had no reason to be down but I found myself in a dull mood nonetheless. Does that happen to anyone else? I mean, life is actually pretty darn good these days so I just decided to blame it on the fact that the sun hasn’t been shining in a few days. Since I haven’t a reason in the world to be blue, I had a hard time forgiving myself for having these feelings. I didn’t understand it. Still don’t really but no matter. I couldn’t understand that I was down without reason and couldn’t seem to shake it off. Yesterday, I decided to do some Yoga before my boyfriend came over. This calmed me down but I was still not in a good mood, as a matter of fact it felt a little like angry Yoga. But it worked partially and it was definitely¬†good to see my boyfriend when he got here with a smile on his face. This morning, I still had a hard time slapping on a smile and being ready for the good times. Throughout the day though, I was noticing that I was a little bit cheerier as the time went by. So after work I went to buy some plants for outside and that really put a smile on my face, not so much for the wallet though. (Oops!) As my fingers were in the dirt planting and watering, I took a step back and realized that something so simple and wonderful as planting some plants made me feel calm and peaceful. It was a lovely feeling to come back to. I just finished Yoga and am now feeling back to my normal self, even smiling while I write this! Isn’t it awesome sometimes how the really little things in life can make you so happy? Too often people forget about those things in life that are able to so simply remind us how lovely a life it can be. I wish for people to stop and smell the flowers more! When my hibiscus plant starting blooming this year I almost exploded with joy of seeing it come to life! (I should mention that I am usually not so good at keeping plants alive. only recently I have been better at it. I believe it is the Yoga that has improved my green thumb)

What makes others happy? Are there little things that bring you out of a funk or give you a little boost of joy? To take it back to “The Sound of Music”, a few of my favorite things are, my mom smiling, my boyfriends kiss, plants that I keep alive, the sun on my face, laughing until my cheeks and stomach hurt, we all love the silly am I right? Good night world, bring on tomorrow!Image