A little rambling…

It has been a very long while.…

How do you make your mind stop wandering? Or better yet, how do you sort through all the thoughts to really know and understand what it is you want? I am struggling to understand myself lately and it has resulted in me pushing my boyfriend away. We are no longer together. I still do not fully grasp how it came to this. I miss him. I just cannot seem to figure out why I pushed him away. And until I can figure this out, I don’t want to continue on with the relationship. I think. Or should I try to multi task and stay with him while trying to discern what I feel, want and need? I worry that doing so would be difficult and unfair to him. You see, I didn’t give myself enough time from my previous relationship to this one to reflect and reset. The thing of it is, I am an introvert. When I do not have sufficient time to work things out for myself then I am not giving my whole self to anyone. My partner, my family, my friends. Myself…

From Wikipedia…
Introversion[edit]

Introversion is “the state of or tendency toward being wholly or predominantly concerned with and interested in one’s own mental life”.[4] Some popular writers have characterized introverts as people whose energy tends to expand through reflection and dwindle during interaction.[5] This is similar to Jung’s view, although he focused on mental energy rather than physical energy. Few modern conceptions make this distinction.

They often take pleasure in solitary activities such as reading, writing, using computers, hiking and fishing. The archetypal artist, writer, sculptor, engineer, composer and inventor are all highly introverted. An introvert is likely to enjoy time spent alone and find less reward in time spent with large groups of people, though he or she may enjoy interactions with close friends. Trust is usually an issue of significance: a virtue of utmost importance to introverts is choosing a worthy companion. They prefer to concentrate on a single activity at a time and like to observe situations before they participate, especially observed in developing children and adolescents.[6] They are more analytical before speaking.[7] Introverts are easily overwhelmed by too much stimulation from social gatherings and engagement, introversion having even been defined by some in terms of a preference for a quiet, more minimally stimulating external environment.[8]

Mistaking introversion for shyness is a common error. Introverts prefer solitary to social activities, but do not fear social encounters like shy people do.[9]

While this explains much of my behaviors, it does not help me to understand why I behave or think like I do in other situations. For example, in a relationship, I will focus much too hard on one small flaw or mistake made by my partner or even myself. I will dwell on it so hard that I am convinced I cannot let it go. I pick at it until the relationship suffers. Only then do I start to realize the damage that has been done over something so minor. Then, in the case of my boyfriend, we end up in a break up. He confronts me and asks questions that I have no answers to. Why I think certain things, why I feel this way or that. I cannot explain why, I just do. I start to unravel and make no sense. I go on and on about my birth mother, I do not want to be like her. And while I work to be better, I seem to fail. Once it has come to this, I get angry with myself. I cannot let go of the swirling mass of thoughts, anger, pain and confusion. I want to. But I can’t. It is so easy, everyone says. “Just tell yourself this or tell yourself that” But they have no idea what it’s like to be me. To constantly battle with the thoughts in your head. I cannot just make them go away. Well, I guess it would be better to master the thoughts in my head. That is the true challenge here. To master them, understand and accept and finally let go of. How does one do this?

I am feeling so lost. Not depressed really, it’s just I feel like I should have this figured out by now. I am almost 35 and do not want to be this confused. I fear my path is one that will be travelled alone. To the end. Maybe not everyone is supposed to have a significant other…

 

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Torn

How do we stay true to our be kind mantra when people want to make it so difficult. I have spent so much time and energy to become the kind, happy woman I want to be and now I wonder how to apply kindness to a someone I have no respect for. Is it enough to be polite? Do I really have to forgive her? I feel strongly that she doesn’t deserve any kindness from me. But isn’t that exactly what I am trying to accomplish with kindness? Be kind to all…If we forgive, they say it releases us from the hurt, it is an attribute of the strong.

So am I weak because I struggle to find it in me to release this person from their wrongs? I want to on some level but in my heart I hesitate because she is so selfish in the wrong ways and doesn’t see past herself. That is someone I do not know how to be around because they are everything I do not like in our society.

On the other hand, if I find a way to be peaceful around her, to release the tension in my heart surrounding her, maybe I can move on and only then understand how to show kindness to someone who doesn’t seem to understand what selflessness is.

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I can forgive and release her. But I choose not to let her be in my life in any way. I wonder, is that cold? There are many quotes about surrounding yourself with the right people and I believe with my soul that being encircled by people who are positive, honest and kind has helped me grow. By letting one in, that is none of these things, seems to go against what I have worked for. So, yes, I can forgive her. But that is as far as our road goes. At least for now. When I see changes I would reconsider our relationship.

But who am I to be the judge? Well, I am talking about my happiness and my world I have built and therefore I believe I have the right to decide who may enter my bubble and who may not.

I would like to note that I do not wish her harm, unhappiness or anything of the sort. As a matter of fact, I wish very much for her to find peace and joy in life.

I welcome any advice

I am not Perfect, and that’s ok!

Lately, it has been a little difficult to not be my own enemy. I have forgotten that I have come along way from who I used to be. Seems I need a little reminder sometimes. Being happy is not always the easiest path but it is sure worth it. I am working everyday to be the person I am, the one I know I can be. But forgive me if I wander off that path, I am not perfect. I am human and I love the life I lead. I thank those that have been through thick and thin with me and still stick around. I also thank those that are no longer in my life.

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This was my facebook post yesterday. And one of my friends commented on it saying being happy is easier than being miserable or its the easier choice. Well, I beg to differ to an extent. I admit, sometimes, it is very hard for me to focus on the good, the beauty and the positive things in my life. I am not someone who is always in a happy chipper mood. I work to be since it doesn’t come so easily, and I think over time it will come easier or even change completely.

I have only just recently realized what it takes and what to do in my life that keeps me on a happy path. I cannot put my finger on it but for whatever reason, my brain is wired to always worry about things. Causing me to be either down on myself or just down in general. Things like being outside in nature, Yoga (have I mentioned how much I love Yoga?), meditation and reading are the things I do alone to keep calm, hold on to happy thoughts and maintain the happy lifestyle I know I have in me. I love being around my boyfriend, family and friends but I firmly believe that I need that quality alone time in order to be a good girlfriend, daughter, sister and friend. You must be good to yourself to be good to others.

In the last couple weeks, I have skipped Yoga here and there, been eating quite terribly and not sleeping well, and I am sure that is why I wandered off my path. I am improving all those things and feeling much better thus far. I do need to take time for myself where I can, which I have also forgotten in the last couple weeks.

I would like to add that I live a very blessed and happy life. I am not depressed or miserable. I am just a human woman who deals with some inner conflicts and sometimes feels a little lost. Which I am certain is not totally abnormal. I am lucky enough to have people in my life that know how to give me my time and also know when to give me a helping hand. I know that I have come a long long way from the girl I used to be and I know I will be who I know I can be in time.

I want to tell others that it is okay to let yourself feel the emotions you feel. Just be sure you know what works for you to keep your head up and find a way to smile through your battles.

Anyway, I haven’t posted in a bit since I was at a loss for inspiration. Didn’t dawn on me to write about this since I didn’t really want to come off as negative on my blog. But I am putting it out there anyway. I hope someone takes something from this.

A good day to all!

Finding Calm and Forgiving Myself

The last few days have been a bit of a roller coaster of emotions. I had no reason to be down but I found myself in a dull mood nonetheless. Does that happen to anyone else? I mean, life is actually pretty darn good these days so I just decided to blame it on the fact that the sun hasn’t been shining in a few days. Since I haven’t a reason in the world to be blue, I had a hard time forgiving myself for having these feelings. I didn’t understand it. Still don’t really but no matter. I couldn’t understand that I was down without reason and couldn’t seem to shake it off. Yesterday, I decided to do some Yoga before my boyfriend came over. This calmed me down but I was still not in a good mood, as a matter of fact it felt a little like angry Yoga. But it worked partially and it was definitely good to see my boyfriend when he got here with a smile on his face. This morning, I still had a hard time slapping on a smile and being ready for the good times. Throughout the day though, I was noticing that I was a little bit cheerier as the time went by. So after work I went to buy some plants for outside and that really put a smile on my face, not so much for the wallet though. (Oops!) As my fingers were in the dirt planting and watering, I took a step back and realized that something so simple and wonderful as planting some plants made me feel calm and peaceful. It was a lovely feeling to come back to. I just finished Yoga and am now feeling back to my normal self, even smiling while I write this! Isn’t it awesome sometimes how the really little things in life can make you so happy? Too often people forget about those things in life that are able to so simply remind us how lovely a life it can be. I wish for people to stop and smell the flowers more! When my hibiscus plant starting blooming this year I almost exploded with joy of seeing it come to life! (I should mention that I am usually not so good at keeping plants alive. only recently I have been better at it. I believe it is the Yoga that has improved my green thumb)

What makes others happy? Are there little things that bring you out of a funk or give you a little boost of joy? To take it back to “The Sound of Music”, a few of my favorite things are, my mom smiling, my boyfriends kiss, plants that I keep alive, the sun on my face, laughing until my cheeks and stomach hurt, we all love the silly am I right? Good night world, bring on tomorrow!Image

Oh What a Day

So, do you ever resolve to have a good day and realize 20 minutes later that everything seems out to ensure you do NOT have a good day? Today was that day for me. I woke up in a pretty relaxed mood ready to begin my day. Yoga got me off on the right foot and on my way to work, I was still pretty sure it would be a good day! Until I walked into the building and my mood went immediately south. I have no reason why other than, it was a dreary day and it hit me that I really didn’t feel like being at work. I called my Mom, who is usually pretty good at putting me back in a good mood without trying but I didn’t even give her a chance, I was rude and irritated with her. So I hung up and tried to get on with work. But, I had a guilty conscience and decided to call her back. I pretended to be my “Better half” and apologized for my “Evil half”‘s behavior. Feeling better we talked and I hung up again ready to get moving. For real this time. Met with my boss and then stepped out of the building to check my mail…For some reason I checked if I had my driver’s license with me and lo and behold, I do not. I just changed my wallet the other day and of all things to miss, it was my license. So I went to get it. Driving slowly of course! Anyway, later on I am meeting with my associates trying to get some things sorted and a customer did a good job putting me in another sour mood. I tried to brush it off and move on. (I am generally very kind, even to difficult customers, and good at not taking anything personally at work) I was agitated for a while about the customer but eventually was getting into a better mood when my knee started to act up. (I recently had knee surgery, which went really well and I have been healing fine but on days that I walk around a lot and fast, it gets very tired and sort of “sticks”) I didn’t mind it too much but everyone felt it necessary to remind me I was limping. Ok people, I noticed…I am walking on it and all. (Again, I am pretty patient and this is not something that would get to me but I seemed to have left all my patience at home.) Well, I finally arrive home and I decide before I sit down to go online and then go to bed, I will do some house work. Putting dishes away seems to be the last thing I can do. I dropped a few dishes. Yep, the wackiness continues. So, here I am whining about it on here. I wonder, is it as difficult for others to get through a day that is so bound and determined to drive you bananas with positivity and calm? I put in a daily effort these days to stay calm even on days like today but I really was struggling to keep smiling.  But what does “venting” really do? Shouldn’t we still try our hardest to focus on the good even on a day like today? Isn’t that what makes a person strong and willful? Does it make me weak since I couldn’t pull myself together for a day, even when it really wasn’t even all that bad of a day?Image

To try to turn the day around before I head off to bed, I will tell you that I am grateful for the family and friends in my life as well as my boyfriend who is my best friend. They all make days like today easier to get through and I can look forward to tomorrow knowing they are there. I wish everyone a lovely day!