A little rambling…

It has been a very long while.…

How do you make your mind stop wandering? Or better yet, how do you sort through all the thoughts to really know and understand what it is you want? I am struggling to understand myself lately and it has resulted in me pushing my boyfriend away. We are no longer together. I still do not fully grasp how it came to this. I miss him. I just cannot seem to figure out why I pushed him away. And until I can figure this out, I don’t want to continue on with the relationship. I think. Or should I try to multi task and stay with him while trying to discern what I feel, want and need? I worry that doing so would be difficult and unfair to him. You see, I didn’t give myself enough time from my previous relationship to this one to reflect and reset. The thing of it is, I am an introvert. When I do not have sufficient time to work things out for myself then I am not giving my whole self to anyone. My partner, my family, my friends. Myself…

From Wikipedia…
Introversion[edit]

Introversion is “the state of or tendency toward being wholly or predominantly concerned with and interested in one’s own mental life”.[4] Some popular writers have characterized introverts as people whose energy tends to expand through reflection and dwindle during interaction.[5] This is similar to Jung’s view, although he focused on mental energy rather than physical energy. Few modern conceptions make this distinction.

They often take pleasure in solitary activities such as reading, writing, using computers, hiking and fishing. The archetypal artist, writer, sculptor, engineer, composer and inventor are all highly introverted. An introvert is likely to enjoy time spent alone and find less reward in time spent with large groups of people, though he or she may enjoy interactions with close friends. Trust is usually an issue of significance: a virtue of utmost importance to introverts is choosing a worthy companion. They prefer to concentrate on a single activity at a time and like to observe situations before they participate, especially observed in developing children and adolescents.[6] They are more analytical before speaking.[7] Introverts are easily overwhelmed by too much stimulation from social gatherings and engagement, introversion having even been defined by some in terms of a preference for a quiet, more minimally stimulating external environment.[8]

Mistaking introversion for shyness is a common error. Introverts prefer solitary to social activities, but do not fear social encounters like shy people do.[9]

While this explains much of my behaviors, it does not help me to understand why I behave or think like I do in other situations. For example, in a relationship, I will focus much too hard on one small flaw or mistake made by my partner or even myself. I will dwell on it so hard that I am convinced I cannot let it go. I pick at it until the relationship suffers. Only then do I start to realize the damage that has been done over something so minor. Then, in the case of my boyfriend, we end up in a break up. He confronts me and asks questions that I have no answers to. Why I think certain things, why I feel this way or that. I cannot explain why, I just do. I start to unravel and make no sense. I go on and on about my birth mother, I do not want to be like her. And while I work to be better, I seem to fail. Once it has come to this, I get angry with myself. I cannot let go of the swirling mass of thoughts, anger, pain and confusion. I want to. But I can’t. It is so easy, everyone says. “Just tell yourself this or tell yourself that” But they have no idea what it’s like to be me. To constantly battle with the thoughts in your head. I cannot just make them go away. Well, I guess it would be better to master the thoughts in my head. That is the true challenge here. To master them, understand and accept and finally let go of. How does one do this?

I am feeling so lost. Not depressed really, it’s just I feel like I should have this figured out by now. I am almost 35 and do not want to be this confused. I fear my path is one that will be travelled alone. To the end. Maybe not everyone is supposed to have a significant other…

 

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Torn

How do we stay true to our be kind mantra when people want to make it so difficult. I have spent so much time and energy to become the kind, happy woman I want to be and now I wonder how to apply kindness to a someone I have no respect for. Is it enough to be polite? Do I really have to forgive her? I feel strongly that she doesn’t deserve any kindness from me. But isn’t that exactly what I am trying to accomplish with kindness? Be kind to all…If we forgive, they say it releases us from the hurt, it is an attribute of the strong.

So am I weak because I struggle to find it in me to release this person from their wrongs? I want to on some level but in my heart I hesitate because she is so selfish in the wrong ways and doesn’t see past herself. That is someone I do not know how to be around because they are everything I do not like in our society.

On the other hand, if I find a way to be peaceful around her, to release the tension in my heart surrounding her, maybe I can move on and only then understand how to show kindness to someone who doesn’t seem to understand what selflessness is.

Image

I can forgive and release her. But I choose not to let her be in my life in any way. I wonder, is that cold? There are many quotes about surrounding yourself with the right people and I believe with my soul that being encircled by people who are positive, honest and kind has helped me grow. By letting one in, that is none of these things, seems to go against what I have worked for. So, yes, I can forgive her. But that is as far as our road goes. At least for now. When I see changes I would reconsider our relationship.

But who am I to be the judge? Well, I am talking about my happiness and my world I have built and therefore I believe I have the right to decide who may enter my bubble and who may not.

I would like to note that I do not wish her harm, unhappiness or anything of the sort. As a matter of fact, I wish very much for her to find peace and joy in life.

I welcome any advice